Gonzo

LOL.... now THAT'S funny.... LOL...

I laughed so hard at your comment Joe... I had to brace myself in my chair. You got out the article the same thing I did. Not only with this new found information make the uneducated driver seem like he just recieved a ray of brillance he/she is going to use this as thier weapon of choice when they go to a repair shop.... How about this instead.... give some credit to the GOOD shops and QUIT going to those hole in the wall-never learned a dam thing repair shops. You know you don't need to be ASE certified to be a GOOD shop, and YES I might have greasy paws.... BUT, I'm for having a sheep skin like any other trade of service. Maybe if shops had to be rated or had some form of established trade practice this crap wouldn't happen. (read my book, it's in there) I think thats why I try to find the funny in the all my repair situations.... I gotta laugh at them, I think they can be very entertaining, even though "they" don't get the punch line. Oh, and BTW... the second car that passes this "Tim Stevens" on that lonely stretch of road is going to be none other than me.... Laughin my A$$ off the whole time...

Click on the link and check this out... http://www.engadget.com/2011/01/04/griffin-gets-an-iphone-all-up-in-your-cars-obd-ii-port-with-the/

Yea, I remember old Jerry... he had some great stories... (one of my favorites was about the pig and the wheel barrow...LOL) Thanx for your thoughts... Only time will tell... I'd like to think I would make a great trade show draw... you know, telling some of my stories with my usual flare. At least I'd know I'd have one audience memebr... LOL Have a great year ! ! Gonzo

2010, wasn't a banner year in some respects. But it was a good one. 2011 looks even better. I may write a few more columns and I might do some more trade show apperances... but one thing will never change... I'm a damned good mechanic... that's where I'm most comfortable... despite what the general publics attitude towards this trade... I wouldn't trade my years under a hood for anything. That's where I'll be... till I can't do it anymore. To all my ASO buddies... "Keep it between the ditches... and off the tow trucks!"

Joe Friday Diagnostics Gonzo Jan - 2011 How would Sgt. Friday explain auto repair and diagnostics… que the music: The story you're about to read is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Monday morning, it was cold that day. I was working day shift out of the repair division. There's a suspicious vehicle at the front of the shop. A customer walks in the door. I'll take it from here. I'm a mechanic, the name's Friday. It was a 2003 Ford, 5.4 liter, fully loaded and sounded like it was running rough. The lady came to the counter. "Good Morning ma'am, what can I do for you," I said to the complainant. "Yes, I'm here about my car," she answered. "There's a problem with the car, I see. What can you tell me about it?" I asked, in my usual non-threatening, but confident monotone voice. "I was on my way to deliver my recyclables to the east side collection area, because I'm a concerned citizen you know, when my car started to make a coughing and clattering sound. I thought I would bring it in to have it checked out," the owner answered. "Coughing and clattering, hmm, not a problem. I'll get it investigated, I can interrogate the pursuant this morning, especially for a concerned citizen such as yourself," I answered while maintaining my professionalism. "Well, do you need any other information from me?" she asked. "Just the facts ma'am, just the facts," I said. "The check engine light came on," she reported. "This could be of some help. Sounds like a possible 0300 (engine misfire). But I'll check it out first, I'll need to finish my investigation in order to give you any proper results," I said to her, while my pen was busy jotting down the facts onto the always present handy notepad. She left the car with me for further interrogations. Using the scanner made the results easy to locate. It wasn't long before I got an answer. It was a P0302 in progress… misfire on no#2 cylinder… normally an open and shut case. 09:30 Am, working on the assumption that the perpetrator was somewhere near the 2nd cylinder; I went in for further investigations. I checked the usual suspects. Pulling the plug didn't yield any new clues. The plug was good and answered all the standard questions. The coil was a more likely suspect; a simple test could answer the problem. I'll set up a little sting operation by using a decoy. Taking the nearest coil and replacing it with the suspected faulty coil, and put the known good coil on the other plug. I was hoping to see the miss move to the other cylinder. It didn't. In fact it was gone. 10:05 Am. Now the challenge was on. I'll have to go back over my facts and check the crime scene again. There's something I must have overlooked that might be the key to this investigation. Two things come up as good possibles; the connection or terminals at the coil, or the spark plug boot attached to the coil. The plug boot had a good alibi… it had just been changed, in fact so was the spark plug. That left the coil connection. A more in-depth interrogation of the connector is needed. My years of technical diagnostics work told me to look closer at the wire and the connector. The guilty party in this case appears to be one of the wires at the connector. It was barely hanging onto the housing. Only the plastic sheath was still connected, and the wire itself was not answering to any of the standard questioning or interrogative tactics. Under the intense glow of the high powered shop light the investigation continued. Resorting to some strong arm tactics I pulled on the wire while using a few choice investigative words, the plastic sheathing kept getting longer and longer. Soon, it snapped under the pressure to expose the desperado for the perpetrator it really was. 11:45 Am. The repair was completed, and tested to verify the repairs were effective. The car in question was back with its rightful owner by the end of the day. I now can close the file on this one, another job well done. In conclusion: With the P0302 in question deleted from the computer history, the coil connector was then convicted of failure to cooperate. With her car back on the road she could once again be a productive concerned citizen of this great metropolis. Case closed and now, back to the front desk waiting for that next problem to come through the door. This city is full of broken, non-maintained, and poorly running cars. As a concerned citizen I'll be on the lookout for these suspicious misfires and other infractions of the auto world. Then again, it's my job. I'm a mechanic. stories are posted here before publication for your enjoyment. visit my website for even more hysterical stories, jokes, and technical articles. www.gonzostoolbox.com View full article

The other shop is a lube/oil change place down the street... they send a lot of stuff my way...

Happy Holidays to all....

Good one! !

Let's talk macho stuff, tough men, do tough things. The tough and rough guy approach, you know that's why, we're men. Men, don't listen to their wives when they're driving the car. Anybody can stop for directions… not real men … why we just drive until the gas gauge reads empty and then stop… while the wife goes inside for directions, we stay outside to guard the kids, and when she gets back she very gently, (Not to burst that huge male testosterone filled ego) explains how to get everyone back on the correct highway. We, (the men) drive off again, proud, knowing the fact that we… (The men)… have conquered another of life's issues. Now why is that? I guess I can't answer that one… wrong body chemistry I guess. But the same thing holds true at the repair shop. Some male patron tend to be in this same mode, they want to "talk to the mechanic" verses talking to the front desk person. Especially if that front person is female. In my case, the front desk person is my daughter. She has seen it all, and is very knowledgeable I might add. Ask her a car question, any question and she'll give you an answer. The male customer that really bugs me is the phone callers who use the phone to boast about their knowledge or lack thereof. You can tell that's what they are doing by the way they ask the questions to whom they're talking to. The phone rang one day, my daughter answered it. "Good Morning, can I help you?" she told the caller. "What I really want is to talk to tech," said the caller, Being a chip off the old block, my daughter likes to feel she is doing her job and that there is no need to "talk to the tech" because the tech is going to only repeat exactly the same information. "Sir, I'm sure I can answer any question you have." "Look, little lady, get me the tech. I'm not talking to some girl over a car problem." "What, you don't think I can talk cars because I'm a girl?" "Just get the tech." "Ok, just a minute I'll see if he's free." She answered. It wasn't hard to find me; I was sitting right behind her goofing off on my laptop. She puts the guy on hold, and turns to me with those eyes… you know the ones… the "another male chauvinist on the line dad, I'm not worthy enough to answer his questions". "I'll take the call kiddo," I said. She hands me the phone and clicks the hold button off with a quick snap of her finger… then sits back in her chair… glaring at me. "Can I help you," I said. "Sure can, why I was referred to you by another shop, said you are the best," boasting and cheerful, "Got this noise from my engine, the other shop said you would know what it was." "Well, I probably could figure it out," I stayed calm and answered. "So when can you get a look at it,'' he answered. Now it's time for the real fun. "Now, that I can't answer for you sir," let me put you back in touch with the front office. They can give you that information. Hold a sec., while I transfer you back to the front," I said with a grin. "Sure no problem," the caller answered. You could tell he was quite proud of himself I might add. He had that sound of confidence like the football team has after the coach gives all of them the "big" speech before the game. I put him on hold, and looked at my daughter. She was rolling those eyes again. Now, I don't know how to "write" frustration on paper… but if you can imagine the look I was getting … you would certainly understand. She got back on the phone as cheerful as ever and proceeded to set up a time and date that he could get his car in the shop. A few days later, as I was pulling into the shop parking lot, here was this guy sitting in his car waiting at the front door. I waved at the guy and unlocked the front door. He followed me in to the lobby as I was putting my lunch and laptop down in my office. "How ya doing this morning," I asked him. "I've got my car out here," he said, "It's the one I called about that is making that noise." "Great, let's fill out the invoice and get started on it," I answered back to him. My daughter hadn't made it in yet, so it was my job this morning. The repair wasn't a big deal (belt tensioner bearing). The customer waited in the lobby for the job to be completed while my daughter took over in the front office for the day. [/font] All said and done with, nothing was mentioned about the phone call. Perhaps, it didn't need to be mentioned, because, us men took care of business. You know, we men, we do "manly" things… cars… argh, argh, argh, why it's not important if the opposite sex doesn't understand us…because we're men, and men don't need to explain things to each other. Now that statement isn't funny at all. That's the chauvinist response answer. It doesn't set well with me, I may be a guy but I try to show respect to anyone and everyone who shows respect back. It's not a gender thing at all. I have quite a few parts counter female friends that can rattle off a part number for a given vehicle before you can fully describe the part to them. They are just that good. That "sweet" voice on the phone is no indication of knowledge. That's just a voice… put a wrench in their hand and watch out… you may have met your match. But I know a lot more jerks that think "men" are the only answer to car repair. This guy, well, it's safe to say … he made the list. These stories are here before editing for publication... Comments are welcomed. visit my website for past stories and videos, games, photos and lots more. www.gonzostoolbox.com View full article

As long as the Big Guy doesn't have to trade his red suit in for an orange jump suit... it's OK with me... :rolleyes: :)

Ode to Santa and the Economy Gonzo 2010 There goes Santa, running for his sleigh; He's gotta run fast to get away. You see, the economy has struck the North Pole as well; The elves are on strike, and his wife is giving him hell. Now when Santa makes his appearance at the department stores; It's not just for all those little kids anymore. He's not going to make a whole lot of stops; 'Cause look out Santa… here comes the cops. So off he goes, in the middle of the night; To find those gifts, and get out of sight. There's Santa, flying far into the night; Carrying all those gifts, on his yearly flight. With all the alarms blaring and the police giving chase; Santa will be long gone, without leaving a trace. He has to be quick to have it done by Christmas Eve; So many gifts and so many places to be… The presents will all be wrapped, and the tags will be off; That's because Old Santa is very careful, not to get caught. So look for your present on Christmas day; (Just keep hush-hush if it's from Santa, OK.) Now, I don't know if Old Saint Nick will stop at your house, or not; But if he does … … … … … THOSE GIFTS ARE HOT ! ! PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO ALL MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! ! ! Need a great gift for Christmas... grab a copy of my book. Amazon.com, gonzostoolbox.com, or most local book stores.

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

Ya can't fix stupid..... My old saying, "Stupid is free, Brains will cost you some bucks... that's why you pay to go to college..."

It's funny, it's a typical day at the shop. Who ever made this video must have been a shop owner or a service writer... it's like all of my stories put into one. I laughed thru the whole thing and then reliazed... holy crap... this happens to me... EVERYDAY! ! http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7452561/

He wasn't Indian or Pakistanis.... just a cheap -o- and yes... MY dash lights work...LOL I wonder if when the dentist goes to a doctor do they discuss rates before doing any tests??

I really think that jobs like this one is what put him out of business. I did so much work for him that I thought he should have just put me on the payroll. A great guy, but couldn't find good help, and sorry to say... he wasn't all that good either. heavy line, yes... diagnostics.. not a chance... go figure...

Yesterday I got a call, this guy was lost... he was only a couple of blocks away and had a hard time understanding directions. I'd say east and he would say west... anyway, he did make it to the shop. He comes up to the counter and introduces himself as "Doctor... so and so" his dash lights were out on his car... I told him I was caught up with things and could get to it in about 20 minutes or so. I told him our diagnostic charge ... this guy just stood there... "you're going to charge me to look at it" I told him, "ain't that what you do?" then he started making excuses as to what time of the day it was and that he would have to bring it back on Tuesday... yea right... I'll save ya a spot Mr. Doctor... ya'd think a doctor of all people wouldn't have a problem understanding the basics of a diagnostic procedure... I'm no doctor... but.... you know the rest.

Thought you'd like this one... to funny... thanks for the *****

Breaker, Breaker… GONZO 2010 In my many years of repairing cars I've helped out a lot of other shops with their electrical problems. Some shops I see a few times a month, and others only once in awhile. Back in the mid 80's and 90's I had one shop that I talked to almost every day until his eventual retirement. His name was Joe; he had a small repair shop along with a couple of tow trucks. His main business was the tow company, and the repair shop was there just to fill in the gaps on those slow days. One afternoon I got a call from Joe about a car his crew had given up on. They had changed several parts, but couldn't get this car to come back to life. Joe was busy with tows, and didn't want to spend any more time on it. So he put it on one of his tow trucks, and dropped it off at my shop for me to look at. "I'll be on the road all day busy with tows. If you get it going, could ya take it back to my shop for me," Joe said, as he made a dash for his tow truck. "No problem Joe, I'll get right on it," I said, just as he drove off. The car was a late 80's GM. I could see all kinds of shiny new components under the hood, and could tell they put a lot of effort into swapping parts to find out what was going on. With a flip of the key it would immediately start, but die just as quickly. Every time I tried it, it would act the same way without fail. The parts they changed were all predictable. They tried tune-up parts, an IAC, TPS, MAP etc… etc… all of which might, could, should've, probably, maybe… fixed it. But didn't. I wasn't going to go that route. I thought it best to start with the basics- fuel, fire, and air. Spark was good, timing looked good, injector pulse was there, and the intake had a good air pull. Well, what now? I gave it a shot of carb. cleaner… vroom, vroom, vroom. As long as I kept spraying… it kept running. Ok, check the fuel pressure… it had pressure. Hmmm, now what to do? The next obvious thing (to me) was to check fuel volume. I disconnected a fuel line and gave the key a flick into start… the fuel ran out… and then trickled to a stop. I did it a second time. Not as much fuel made it out… but there was some, although it didn't last as long as it did the first time. Maybe I should look at that gas gauge. Wouldn't ya know it… the friggin thing was out of gas. It had just enough in the tank to pressurize the fuel lines but not enough to keep it going. Might as well grab a gas can, and put some in the tank. I'll try it again… vroom, vroom, vroom, alright! It's running great! Looks to me, like it was out of gas. However, with all the new parts they installed, I couldn't be sure if this was the only problem or an after affect of having the car in the shop while trying to solve a different problem. It could have been that one of the components they changed really did need to be changed. I couldn't tell; they're all new… and all working perfectly. Later that day I drove the car back to Joe's shop. He wasn't there, but his dispatcher was in the office sorting out tow tickets and monitoring the CB with the volume up full blast. In the background you could hear the CB was busy with all the area's tow companies' chatter. About then I heard Joe's voice over the CB, "Did Gonzo call yet? Need to check in on him, we need to get that car back to the owner." "He just walked in Joe," the dispatcher told him. "So what was wrong with it," Joe asked between the squelch of the CB radio and all the other chatter from the other tow companies. The dispatcher turned to me and asked what I found wrong with it. I told him. The dispatcher, with a stunned look on his face said, "I can't tell him that. He is going to be so pissed." "I don't think you should tell him till he gets back," I said, while breaking into an ear to ear smile. The CB comes to life with Joe's voice; "So what did he find out? Geez, I'm busy… come on give me the news," Joe barks out thru the CB speaker. He sounded pretty demanding and frustrated. I don't know whether it was the way his day was going or it could have been over this car… either way, he's not going to like this answer. "Go ahead… tell him," I said, "He wants the answer, so tell him." "Alright," said the dispatcher grabbing the mike to the CB, "Joe, are ya ready for this? It was out of gas." A dead silence came over the CB. No chatter, nothing, not a sound. It was if someone had turned it off. A few seconds went by, then, all hell broke loose. Tow drivers from all over the city were razing poor Joe. The CB was full of laughter and goof ball comments, but not a word from Joe. Poor Joe, you asked for it, and now you're getting it. I got up from the desk, and dropped the keys off with the dispatcher, "Tell Joe to stop by the shop, he can settle up with me then," I said while trying to hold back the laughter. As I walked out the door I could still hear the CB chatter all the way out to the parking lot, and the comments were still flying. It was one of the funniest moments I've ever had for doing nothing more than putting a couple of gallons of gas in a car. When Joe came up to pay the bill I told him I had a little something for him. I handed him a little tiny gas can to keep on his desk, as a reminder to always check the basics. After all these years I'm sure he hasn't forgotten about it, and I'll bet he doesn't tell too many people what that little gas can sitting on his desk is all about… especially over the CB. Stories are here for your enjoyment before they are edited for pubication. Comments are always welcomed. Enjoy!