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Gonzo

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Everything posted by Gonzo

  1. ROFL... seen it before. Or they put the plugs wires on wrong... too funny. At the time it's not, but looking back on it... it really was funny. I had a guy that worked for me, I called him "Double D" his name was Dan, and everything he did he had to do over again. Even if it was wrong he would do EXACTLY the same thing over, and over, and over again. (Do it again, Dan) was his nickname. ROFL quote name='Joe Marconi' timestamp='1296407471' post='9366'] Many of us need butt kickin' from time to time. I remember years ago one of my techs could not get a car started after he had tuned it up. I was real busy that day and didn't fully realize what was happening. After an hour of pulling his hair out, I finally walked over to him. He told me the car had no spark to the plugs and that he tried a coil and module. I said, "NO SPARK AFTER you replaced the wires, cap, ROTOR and plugs?" He said, "Yep". Gonzo, You know the rest of the story. I screamed out, "Take the distributior cap off, you forgot the freekin rotor!"
  2. Suppose to in the 70's today... the golf course is calling... gotta go

  3. Butt Kickin' Bodyshop The other day one of the many body shops I do work for came by with a little problem on a 98' Honda. Doug (the owner of the body shop) wanted to make sure I knew how much he appreciated everything that I have done for him over the years. He was making a big deal out of it. I'm not sure whether he was bragging on me, or just being complementary. For all I know he was trying soften me up, before I gave him the bill. "You're the first person I call," he proudly tells me. "Well, thanks Doug, I appreciate that," I told him. "You know, we (the bodyshop) don't know a whole lot about this electrical stuff. That's what we've got you for. You always bail us out." When he finally finished his "Thank You's", he headed back to the bodyshop, and left the little Honda for me to look at. By that afternoon I was on the phone to let him know it was a simple problem with the hazard switch, and he could pick up the car to finish the bodywork. The next day my daughter, Katie (my office manager) got a call from him. They ran into a little trouble with another car. An 08' Toyota Camry. Seems the battery was dead, and somehow while charging the battery they touched the positive and negative leads together from the jumper cables while they were still hooked to the car. Now, the car would only idle, nothing more. Katie came out to the shop to ask me what I thought might be the problem. I was busy on another job, stuck under a dash looking at a fuse box. "Sounds like he blew a fuse," I told Katie while sticking my head out from under the corner of the dash. "That's it?" she asked. "Sounds like it to me. Oh, and tell him once he changes the fuse, go find the guy that did it, and kick his butt for me," I told her with a grin on my face. She walked back to the phone shaking her head and smiling. "That's it? I hope so," Doug tells her, "because, if we had to drive it across town for him to check it out we could only idle it the whole way. We'd look pretty foolish if we did that, and it turned out only to be a fuse." Laughing now, Katie tells him, "Yeah, that would be pretty bad. He did have more information for you though. His professional diagnostics also included that you kick the guy's butt who did it." "Well, alrighty then, I'll take care of that personally. Tell your dad thanks again. One fuse, one butt kickin… got it," Doug tells her with a chuckle. The next day here comes the boys from the bodyshop driving the Camry very slowly, and followed closely by another slow moving car with its hazards on as well. I was not a bit surprised. "Here's the car that we called you about yesterday," the driver tells Katie. "You mean the one with the blown fuse?" she asked. "We looked, it's more serious than that," he says. "OK, I'll tell Gonzo," Katie said trying to hide her snickering smile. She came out to the shop and told me about it. I had to laugh. Even though I had no clue what was really wrong with it, I was pretty sure it was a fuse, well, at least it sounded like a fuse to me. It idled its way around the front of the shop and into a service bay, while I passed the time watching the dash gauges, playing with radio, seat heaters and just about anything else I could think of. The service light was on; I could see that from the start of my slow journey. But I couldn't go get the scanner right at the moment. I was busy creeping around the building at a snail's pace. The code was for the TCS (throttle control system), and the diagnostic tree was extremely long. Sometimes I wonder who writes these things. You know it would be a lot easier if it would start with the basics, like grounds, powers and resistance levels. But no… not a chance. They have to go thru a series of steps that all pertain to the system, but not even getting close to the cause of the problem. The test started out with an explanation of the code; low voltage has been detected by the PCM for the TCS. Great, that's sounding like a fuse to me. I could have stopped there, but I decided to keep reading. Then it wanted to know the scope readings and then continuity between each wire. Finally around steps 10 or 12 the test got to the good part… "Check the fuse". How about instead of going all the way thru pages of diagnostic tree mumbo-jumbo you start the friggin procedure at step one with ---- "CHECK THE FUSE" --- geez! I finally got the answer I was looking for. Well, what do ya know, the fuse is blown. I changed the fuse and cleared the code… all is well with the little Camry. Katie called Doug to let him know it was ready. Since it was for Doug and all… I couldn't resist having some fun with his misfortune. I wrote the invoice up with a few "special" informative automotive terms. She started to read what I wrote on the invoice to him, "The PCM has found a low voltage signal present at the TCS. Further diagnostics was needed to confirm a loss of signal voltage was present. The FCA (Fuse control assembly) (made that up on the spot!) had an open protective devise to the TCS, the PCM was not receiving an input signal that would allow the TCS to respond. Reconfiguring of the FCA was needed to initiate electro-balance of the current draw to the PCM. (Man, sometimes I can come up with some wild stuff to write on an invoice.) Doug was getting a little nervous, "OMG, can he fix it… aw, geez, this is bad isn't it? Awe, man, this is going to cost me a bundle." Katie, being Katie, put the screws to him. Played it up for awhile, and then let him off the hook, "Well, Doug, I could leave out all that technical stuff, and try to give you an answer that would be easier to understand?" "Sure, hit me with the bad news. I can take it." "The fuse was blown." Doug holds the phone up against his chest so Kate can't hear what he yells back to one of his guys in the shop. "Dang it, I thought you said you checked all the fuses?" Then turning back to Katie, "Aw geez, why me? Ok, we'll be over to pick it up. The butt kickin will commence in just a second." Ah, yes, another day at the shop, and another butt kickin' in progress. I hope the rest of Doug's day goes better. As for me, I'm sure glad I was right about this one… wouldn't be much of a story if it was something besides a fuse. I would have loved to have had a camera mounted on the car to watch the embarrassment of idling a car across town thru the intersections and all the usual traffic. And then one on Doug, just to see his face when he found out it was only a fuse. Yea, I think a butt kickin is in order on this one. Ya made my day Dougie… you and your guys may not know electrical, but you do know body work. Some of the best in town… you're one butt kickin bodyshop! These stories are here before publication or final editing. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of it. Visit my website for even more stories and automotive trivia. www.gonzostoolbox.com View full article
  4. Butt Kickin' Bodyshop The other day one of the many body shops I do work for came by with a little problem on a 98' Honda. Doug (the owner of the body shop) wanted to make sure I knew how much he appreciated everything that I have done for him over the years. He was making a big deal out of it. I'm not sure whether he was bragging on me, or just being complementary. For all I know he was trying soften me up, before I gave him the bill. "You're the first person I call," he proudly tells me. "Well, thanks Doug, I appreciate that," I told him. "You know, we (the bodyshop) don't know a whole lot about this electrical stuff. That's what we've got you for. You always bail us out." When he finally finished his "Thank You's", he headed back to the bodyshop, and left the little Honda for me to look at. By that afternoon I was on the phone to let him know it was a simple problem with the hazard switch, and he could pick up the car to finish the bodywork. The next day my daughter, Katie (my office manager) got a call from him. They ran into a little trouble with another car. An 08' Toyota Camry. Seems the battery was dead, and somehow while charging the battery they touched the positive and negative leads together from the jumper cables while they were still hooked to the car. Now, the car would only idle, nothing more. Katie came out to the shop to ask me what I thought might be the problem. I was busy on another job, stuck under a dash looking at a fuse box. "Sounds like he blew a fuse," I told Katie while sticking my head out from under the corner of the dash. "That's it?" she asked. "Sounds like it to me. Oh, and tell him once he changes the fuse, go find the guy that did it, and kick his butt for me," I told her with a grin on my face. She walked back to the phone shaking her head and smiling. "That's it? I hope so," Doug tells her, "because, if we had to drive it across town for him to check it out we could only idle it the whole way. We'd look pretty foolish if we did that, and it turned out only to be a fuse." Laughing now, Katie tells him, "Yeah, that would be pretty bad. He did have more information for you though. His professional diagnostics also included that you kick the guy's butt who did it." "Well, alrighty then, I'll take care of that personally. Tell your dad thanks again. One fuse, one butt kickin… got it," Doug tells her with a chuckle. The next day here comes the boys from the bodyshop driving the Camry very slowly, and followed closely by another slow moving car with its hazards on as well. I was not a bit surprised. "Here's the car that we called you about yesterday," the driver tells Katie. "You mean the one with the blown fuse?" she asked. "We looked, it's more serious than that," he says. "OK, I'll tell Gonzo," Katie said trying to hide her snickering smile. She came out to the shop and told me about it. I had to laugh. Even though I had no clue what was really wrong with it, I was pretty sure it was a fuse, well, at least it sounded like a fuse to me. It idled its way around the front of the shop and into a service bay, while I passed the time watching the dash gauges, playing with radio, seat heaters and just about anything else I could think of. The service light was on; I could see that from the start of my slow journey. But I couldn't go get the scanner right at the moment. I was busy creeping around the building at a snail's pace. The code was for the TCS (throttle control system), and the diagnostic tree was extremely long. Sometimes I wonder who writes these things. You know it would be a lot easier if it would start with the basics, like grounds, powers and resistance levels. But no… not a chance. They have to go thru a series of steps that all pertain to the system, but not even getting close to the cause of the problem. The test started out with an explanation of the code; low voltage has been detected by the PCM for the TCS. Great, that's sounding like a fuse to me. I could have stopped there, but I decided to keep reading. Then it wanted to know the scope readings and then continuity between each wire. Finally around steps 10 or 12 the test got to the good part… "Check the fuse". How about instead of going all the way thru pages of diagnostic tree mumbo-jumbo you start the friggin procedure at step one with ---- "CHECK THE FUSE" --- geez! I finally got the answer I was looking for. Well, what do ya know, the fuse is blown. I changed the fuse and cleared the code… all is well with the little Camry. Katie called Doug to let him know it was ready. Since it was for Doug and all… I couldn't resist having some fun with his misfortune. I wrote the invoice up with a few "special" informative automotive terms. She started to read what I wrote on the invoice to him, "The PCM has found a low voltage signal present at the TCS. Further diagnostics was needed to confirm a loss of signal voltage was present. The FCA (Fuse control assembly) (made that up on the spot!) had an open protective devise to the TCS, the PCM was not receiving an input signal that would allow the TCS to respond. Reconfiguring of the FCA was needed to initiate electro-balance of the current draw to the PCM. (Man, sometimes I can come up with some wild stuff to write on an invoice.) Doug was getting a little nervous, "OMG, can he fix it… aw, geez, this is bad isn't it? Awe, man, this is going to cost me a bundle." Katie, being Katie, put the screws to him. Played it up for awhile, and then let him off the hook, "Well, Doug, I could leave out all that technical stuff, and try to give you an answer that would be easier to understand?" "Sure, hit me with the bad news. I can take it." "The fuse was blown." Doug holds the phone up against his chest so Kate can't hear what he yells back to one of his guys in the shop. "Dang it, I thought you said you checked all the fuses?" Then turning back to Katie, "Aw geez, why me? Ok, we'll be over to pick it up. The butt kickin will commence in just a second." Ah, yes, another day at the shop, and another butt kickin' in progress. I hope the rest of Doug's day goes better. As for me, I'm sure glad I was right about this one… wouldn't be much of a story if it was something besides a fuse. I would have loved to have had a camera mounted on the car to watch the embarrassment of idling a car across town thru the intersections and all the usual traffic. And then one on Doug, just to see his face when he found out it was only a fuse. Yea, I think a butt kickin is in order on this one. Ya made my day Dougie… you and your guys may not know electrical, but you do know body work. Some of the best in town… you're one butt kickin bodyshop! These stories are here before publication or final editing. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of it. Visit my website for even more stories and automotive trivia. www.gonzostoolbox.com
  5. Ok, he did it the hard way, but does he still want 200 buck an hour??? LOL
  6. My turn, My turn, Love to give it a try... awesome! !
  7. I'll have to check it out... thanx
  8. Long video... but worth watching [/url] http://www.youtube.c...&vq=medium#t=35
  9. Oh man, what a riot... I thought I was the only one that did that.... I don't call it "married" to them I call it "given birth to a step child" LOL The way I look at it... you've taken responsiblity for the car, but you didn't create the problem.... LOL That's so so SO true .... Now that put a big smile on my mug... thanks for sharing guys... Sounds like I've got another story idea ...
  10. Thanks Joe, always like to hear from ya, I believe the sad part of this story is the poor car.... it was a totaly bomb... LOL and the guy didn't have a dime. In fact he called several days in a row to find out the cost of diagnostics before towing it in. There's no doubt that any professional shop that would have done "anything" to this car .... it would come back and haunt you. This was the type of person who can't see how bad it really is, he only invisions it as it once was. I was more afraid of this guy coming back the next day or next week with another "no-start" condition unrelated to the last repair... and with an attitude. Sorry, gettting to old for that. This POS needed to rest in pieces...it kinda, sorta was already doing that... because everywhere it went something fell off.
  11. HOOPTY Gonzo Jan. 2010 A decrepit 94 Impala SS with a 5.7 liter engine was towed in. When this thing was new, it was a real power house. But, this poor thing had a pretty rough life. Terry, (My buddy the tow driver) was standing in the lobby with this grin on his face. I could tell he was about to give me one of his patented tall tales about this car. "Gonz, you're going to like this one, nice car, a crème puff, oh, and the paint, awesome, just awesome... You'll have to put your gloves on before you start on this cherry ride. Wait till ya see this one," he tells me, while trying to keep a straight face. "Really, how come I don't believe you," I said. By now he couldn't stop from laughing, and then he tells me that on the way over the trunk lid pops open. He stopped to close it only to find out that the entire latch area was completely rotted away. The car was completely painted with flat black paint from a spray can. No door panels, broken trim inside and out, cracked glass, and a pillow in the driver seat to keep you from falling thru the seat. The car had a slight lean to one side as if a spring was broken or the shock towers were rusted thru. The outside mirrors are dangling off the doors, the wheels don't match, and there's a steady drip of oil from under the car. It's a real POS. (Your definition is sufficient; I don't need to explain that one I'm sure.) It started, so I drove it into a service bay. The thing smelled awful and I'm not talking just the exhaust. All I was told was that it would die while driving and you would have to wait quite some time before it would start again. The service light was on, along with almost all the other warning lights. But as it was, I was only concerned with the service light and see if that led to any results. Several codes were stored; I wrote them all down and then cleared the memory and restarted the car. 2 codes did return right away. One was for the secondary air system, that one was easy, the relay was missing. The other code (code 36) had to do with the distributor (High resolution circuit). I ran the test procedure to see where it led. One of tests required that the connector at the distributor needed to be disconnected to verify connection quality. The connector…. A … what connector? Someone had stabbed the 4 wires into the distributor housing and then used silicone to keep them in place. The entire distributor area was covered in oil. In fact, the oil was dripping out of a crack in the distributor cap. (How the H?LL did this thing even start?) There's no sense in going any further, I priced out the obvious parts and called the customer. To say they were shocked would be an understatement. This distributor isn't cheap by a long shot on these 5.7's. But, what surprised me even more was what the owner told me. He said, "The parts were new." New? You've got to be kidding me. I needed to find out what this bailing wire commandos version of new was. There wasn't one new part on this heap. The crack in the distributor cap was large enough to actually be seen without getting that close to it. And, that's even with the distributor buried behind the waterpump and the harmonic balancer. You could see it plain as day. "Where did you get them?" "Salvage yard across town," he said. "Then there not new, they're just new to the car," I told this POS captain. "Well, they looked new when I took them off the wrecked car," he tells me. Off a wrecked car, of course a wrecked car… right….I'll bet it's probably one that got smacked by a train right in the radiator too. It's not so much that this POS pilot used salvage yard parts, that's not what I'm concerned with. It's the amateurish way he installed the distributor wires and the fact that he wasn't concerned about this huge crack. But, as it always seems the case… money, or the lack of, is the real issue here. Now why is it, when you get a job in like this the very first thing that happens is the wallet starts to dictate the repair. He wanted to know if he could get more parts from the salvage yard and if I would put them in. I don't like doing that, but to help the guy out I said I would work with him, a bit. But the big deal was that connector; he had to find a replacement. As far as he knew there wasn't another one at the salvage yard with a decent connector. After talking to the dealership about the parts, they told me there was a replacement harness still available, however, it was revised from the original and most likely the connector would not match the older style distributor. So, it's not looking good for this guy. When I told him what the labor costs would be just to replace the distributor and the rewire the connector, he had a big problem with that, he couldn't afford any of it. Then the wallet started talking again, now he wanted me to change only the distributor connector since the other parts were new. There's that word again… new… Yea, right it's new…. Let's leave the dripping oil filled distributor assembly bleeding all over the place. I'm sure that's exactly how it was designed to work. Must be one of those "total loss" oil systems from years gone by that I read about in the history books. I think it's time this guy finds a new car. I'm sure if he drove, pushed, or pulled this heap of junk to the salvage yard the car would automatically find its own parking spot somewhere next to the rest of the worn out scrap wagons waiting for their final demise. It's just too far gone for any professional shop to tackle on this guy's income. Not that it couldn't be repaired and brought back to refurbished shape, just not on this guy's salary. Sorry dude, I'm real sorry, but I can't work these kinds of miracles on a budget. The sad truth of it is, there are a lot of cars out there that are in just as bad of shape. Look around the next time you drive home you might even spot one of these "hoopties" driving down the road. I feel pretty bad that even though I know how to fix it, I just can't fix it without spending a fortune on it, and maintain some professionalism to the finished product. I took some time to talk him, gave the young lad some fatherly advice on how to pick out a decent car and not get so wrapped up in his emotional attachment to this aging wanna-be hot rod. (He called it a hot rod… not me.) I hope he takes my advice, and I hope he finds a decent cheap car that won't eat his pocketbook up in repairs. Because this car is done, put a fork in it… call the scrap yard and tell them, "Gotta another one for the crusher!" Thanx for reading these stories, they are here for your enjoyment before publication. The final version that is published might be slightly different, and that's how you can help. Your comments make it easier for me to edit and send a finished story. Thanx, Gonzo View full article
  12. Gonzo

    HOOPTY

    HOOPTY Gonzo Jan. 2010 A decrepit 94 Impala SS with a 5.7 liter engine was towed in. When this thing was new, it was a real power house. But, this poor thing had a pretty rough life. Terry, (My buddy the tow driver) was standing in the lobby with this grin on his face. I could tell he was about to give me one of his patented tall tales about this car. "Gonz, you're going to like this one, nice car, a crème puff, oh, and the paint, awesome, just awesome... You'll have to put your gloves on before you start on this cherry ride. Wait till ya see this one," he tells me, while trying to keep a straight face. "Really, how come I don't believe you," I said. By now he couldn't stop from laughing, and then he tells me that on the way over the trunk lid pops open. He stopped to close it only to find out that the entire latch area was completely rotted away. The car was completely painted with flat black paint from a spray can. No door panels, broken trim inside and out, cracked glass, and a pillow in the driver seat to keep you from falling thru the seat. The car had a slight lean to one side as if a spring was broken or the shock towers were rusted thru. The outside mirrors are dangling off the doors, the wheels don't match, and there's a steady drip of oil from under the car. It's a real POS. (Your definition is sufficient; I don't need to explain that one I'm sure.) It started, so I drove it into a service bay. The thing smelled awful and I'm not talking just the exhaust. All I was told was that it would die while driving and you would have to wait quite some time before it would start again. The service light was on, along with almost all the other warning lights. But as it was, I was only concerned with the service light and see if that led to any results. Several codes were stored; I wrote them all down and then cleared the memory and restarted the car. 2 codes did return right away. One was for the secondary air system, that one was easy, the relay was missing. The other code (code 36) had to do with the distributor (High resolution circuit). I ran the test procedure to see where it led. One of tests required that the connector at the distributor needed to be disconnected to verify connection quality. The connector…. A … what connector? Someone had stabbed the 4 wires into the distributor housing and then used silicone to keep them in place. The entire distributor area was covered in oil. In fact, the oil was dripping out of a crack in the distributor cap. (How the H?LL did this thing even start?) There's no sense in going any further, I priced out the obvious parts and called the customer. To say they were shocked would be an understatement. This distributor isn't cheap by a long shot on these 5.7's. But, what surprised me even more was what the owner told me. He said, "The parts were new." New? You've got to be kidding me. I needed to find out what this bailing wire commandos version of new was. There wasn't one new part on this heap. The crack in the distributor cap was large enough to actually be seen without getting that close to it. And, that's even with the distributor buried behind the waterpump and the harmonic balancer. You could see it plain as day. "Where did you get them?" "Salvage yard across town," he said. "Then there not new, they're just new to the car," I told this POS captain. "Well, they looked new when I took them off the wrecked car," he tells me. Off a wrecked car, of course a wrecked car… right….I'll bet it's probably one that got smacked by a train right in the radiator too. It's not so much that this POS pilot used salvage yard parts, that's not what I'm concerned with. It's the amateurish way he installed the distributor wires and the fact that he wasn't concerned about this huge crack. But, as it always seems the case… money, or the lack of, is the real issue here. Now why is it, when you get a job in like this the very first thing that happens is the wallet starts to dictate the repair. He wanted to know if he could get more parts from the salvage yard and if I would put them in. I don't like doing that, but to help the guy out I said I would work with him, a bit. But the big deal was that connector; he had to find a replacement. As far as he knew there wasn't another one at the salvage yard with a decent connector. After talking to the dealership about the parts, they told me there was a replacement harness still available, however, it was revised from the original and most likely the connector would not match the older style distributor. So, it's not looking good for this guy. When I told him what the labor costs would be just to replace the distributor and the rewire the connector, he had a big problem with that, he couldn't afford any of it. Then the wallet started talking again, now he wanted me to change only the distributor connector since the other parts were new. There's that word again… new… Yea, right it's new…. Let's leave the dripping oil filled distributor assembly bleeding all over the place. I'm sure that's exactly how it was designed to work. Must be one of those "total loss" oil systems from years gone by that I read about in the history books. I think it's time this guy finds a new car. I'm sure if he drove, pushed, or pulled this heap of junk to the salvage yard the car would automatically find its own parking spot somewhere next to the rest of the worn out scrap wagons waiting for their final demise. It's just too far gone for any professional shop to tackle on this guy's income. Not that it couldn't be repaired and brought back to refurbished shape, just not on this guy's salary. Sorry dude, I'm real sorry, but I can't work these kinds of miracles on a budget. The sad truth of it is, there are a lot of cars out there that are in just as bad of shape. Look around the next time you drive home you might even spot one of these "hoopties" driving down the road. I feel pretty bad that even though I know how to fix it, I just can't fix it without spending a fortune on it, and maintain some professionalism to the finished product. I took some time to talk him, gave the young lad some fatherly advice on how to pick out a decent car and not get so wrapped up in his emotional attachment to this aging wanna-be hot rod. (He called it a hot rod… not me.) I hope he takes my advice, and I hope he finds a decent cheap car that won't eat his pocketbook up in repairs. Because this car is done, put a fork in it… call the scrap yard and tell them, "Gotta another one for the crusher!" Thanx for reading these stories, they are here for your enjoyment before publication. The final version that is published might be slightly different, and that's how you can help. Your comments make it easier for me to edit and send a finished story. Thanx, Gonzo
  13. I'm FINE, yes officer... couldn't be better... LOL good one Frankie.....! !
  14. Friggin Funny... I've got save these... there hysterical... thanx for posting...
  15. Snowed in today, shop is closed... schools closed, even the donut shop is closed...

  16. That put a smile on my face... thanx Frank... U DA MAN! !
  17. Special News, I'm now an official monthly columnist for Babcox magazines. Be watching for your Feb. issue of Brake and Frontend, Import Car, or Underhood Service. You'll find more stories and more news...

  18. FREE THE ECM'S Gonzo Jan 2010 Sometimes, I'll find faults with the so called "experts" advice or information. Not that I think I'm smarter than the engineers… no, not that at all. But if something strikes me as not being completely correct I might want to question what is on that diagnostic tree. Mind you, my entire day is filled with meeting the expectations of my customers. I have to be dead on with my repairs and diagnostics. Not some of the time, no, ALL the time. And, I expect the same from the people that provide the information and parts. The way I look at it, you're only as good as the information provided. Where does that leave me when the directions or diagnostic tree doesn't lead to an answer? Usually frustrated, and disgusted. But what happens when you follow the diagnostic tree to the letter and something is still very, very wrong. Several years ago, back in the 80's or so, back before we had computer based information, email, and the internet we used big thick books to find our diagnostic information. You've all seen them, they're somewhere in a back room of the repair shop these days gathering dust, next to that dwell meter and carburetor adjustment tools. All my big diagnostic books are on a shelf, standing like old soldiers of days gone by, proudly showing their age. Each of them has grease marks, scratches on the covers and worn edges on every page from years of service. Back when the books were in their heyday I had a couple of interesting issues that a guy like me just couldn't leave alone. I find something not right; I'd like to find out how to make it right. Even if the book is wrong, I'd like to know why the book is wrong. There was this mid 80's GM with a service light on. I broke out my overly large books of knowledge and started to follow the diagnostic tree to find the solution to the problem. As I went thru each step I would note the results of the test and then continue onto the next step. When I came to the very bottom of the diagnostic tree, there on the final line of the final test was this statement: "If the answer to the last question was "yes" - release the ECM". Now what it in the world are they talking about now? I'm 99.9% sure they actually meant "replace" ECM (Electronic Control Module), but that's not what it said. It clearly said "release" I'm wondering if they know there's a typo in their book… I think I'll call them… you know, just for a laugh. Not that it's all that important, but what the heck… let's have some fun with this. I called, as seemed to be the norm back then it took a few phone transfers to get to the correct department, and as each operator put me in touch with the next operator I started to put together a story. When I finally reached the engineering department, I had to play it up… "Can I help you with a diagnostic problem?" he said, sounding all official and all. (Like he had a clue what was going to happen next)… I let him have it with my own version of stupidity. "Yes, I'm following this diagnostic tree and trying to come to the possible results, but I'm having some problems with it. Now, I'm not one to think there's a problem with the diagnostics but this one, well, I'm a little concerned… it said, very clearly "release ECM". "Hmm, so what did you do?" he asked. (He's not getting it.) Let's see if this guy can follow along with my idiotic logic, or see if I lose him in the translation. "I disconnected the ECM, set it outside the shop, gave it a little pat on its PROM and said to the little aluminum computer box… "YOU'RE FREE! GO-BUDDY-GO, LEAVE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, HIT THE ROAD! YOU'RE RELEASED!!" and you know what… it just sat there. It never moved… now I'm wondering, I followed the diagnostics correctly. The car is still in the shop and it still won't start. And this dang computer doesn't want to be released…. Ya got any suggestions? Because the test ended with "release ECM"… there were no more steps in the test so I did what it said… I released it -- what now?" I told him. There was a dead silence on the phone. I'm guessing, this guy doesn't get the joke, or he's really thinking that little ECM should have taken its chance and run for the hills before this wack-o mechanic comes up with something else. He cautiously answered, "Can I call you back on this? I'll have to consult with the engineering department on this one." Is this guy serious? Really, fella, can you not see this is just a joke? I would have thought most intelligent people would see right through my little story… not this guy, he was dead pan serious. He took down the page number and said he would get back to me later that day. Now I'm waiting for "Mr. Engineer" to get back to me. A few hours later he did call back and informed me that it was a misprint and it really should have said "replace". "I know," I said, "I just thought you guys would like a little joke. I thought you'd like to know that there was a mistake in the books, that's all." "Thanks for telling us, we all got a pretty good laugh over it," he answered, "We like to think we have the best books in the industry and we pride ourselves on giving you guys the most precise information possible." We ended the phone call with both of us laughing about the whole thing. Little did he know, he would get another phone call. A few days later I had another problem to deal with. It was a knock sensor code and the test procedure said; "Take a 4 oz. hammer and tap next to the sensor while observing the scope reading". You know, I couldn't leave this alone. After getting this uptight engineer to loosen up on that last phone call, I just had to call him again. "OK, what is it this time?" he asked. "I don't have a 4 oz. hammer to do this test. You know, you told me you have the most precise information… and I don't want to deviate from the book without knowing I'm on the right track." "Ah……., I'll have to get back to you," he told me. Seriously? I'll bet this guy never gets the punch line of a joke. Several hours later he called me back, and said that it wasn't a misprint this time, and that any small hammer would do. This might be one reason why I never became an engineer. These guys are way too serious for me. Lighten up dudes… geez. "If you find any other mistakes in our books, would you send what you find to us in writing for evaluation. We are working hard to keep these problems from arising… so it would be very helpful if you could do that for us. Thanks for your cooperation," he said. Do ya get the feeling this guy doesn't want me to call them anymore… hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe I've given them a little more incentive to recheck their work a little more. These days, I haven't seen as many mistakes. I suppose with spell check and a few careful proof reads it's less likely to have these kinds of mistakes again. I guess in some respects, it's a good way of avoiding phone calls from smart ass mechanics like myself. These stories are here for your enjoyment before sending to the editors for publication and editing. Some stories make it, some don't... but you guys/gals help decide which ones. Leave a comment, I'm listening. Visit my website for even more stories and info www.gonzostoolbox.com View full article
  19. FREE THE ECM'S Gonzo Jan 2010 Sometimes, I'll find faults with the so called "experts" advice or information. Not that I think I'm smarter than the engineers… no, not that at all. But if something strikes me as not being completely correct I might want to question what is on that diagnostic tree. Mind you, my entire day is filled with meeting the expectations of my customers. I have to be dead on with my repairs and diagnostics. Not some of the time, no, ALL the time. And, I expect the same from the people that provide the information and parts. The way I look at it, you're only as good as the information provided. Where does that leave me when the directions or diagnostic tree doesn't lead to an answer? Usually frustrated, and disgusted. But what happens when you follow the diagnostic tree to the letter and something is still very, very wrong. Several years ago, back in the 80's or so, back before we had computer based information, email, and the internet we used big thick books to find our diagnostic information. You've all seen them, they're somewhere in a back room of the repair shop these days gathering dust, next to that dwell meter and carburetor adjustment tools. All my big diagnostic books are on a shelf, standing like old soldiers of days gone by, proudly showing their age. Each of them has grease marks, scratches on the covers and worn edges on every page from years of service. Back when the books were in their heyday I had a couple of interesting issues that a guy like me just couldn't leave alone. I find something not right; I'd like to find out how to make it right. Even if the book is wrong, I'd like to know why the book is wrong. There was this mid 80's GM with a service light on. I broke out my overly large books of knowledge and started to follow the diagnostic tree to find the solution to the problem. As I went thru each step I would note the results of the test and then continue onto the next step. When I came to the very bottom of the diagnostic tree, there on the final line of the final test was this statement: "If the answer to the last question was "yes" - release the ECM". Now what it in the world are they talking about now? I'm 99.9% sure they actually meant "replace" ECM (Electronic Control Module), but that's not what it said. It clearly said "release" I'm wondering if they know there's a typo in their book… I think I'll call them… you know, just for a laugh. Not that it's all that important, but what the heck… let's have some fun with this. I called, as seemed to be the norm back then it took a few phone transfers to get to the correct department, and as each operator put me in touch with the next operator I started to put together a story. When I finally reached the engineering department, I had to play it up… "Can I help you with a diagnostic problem?" he said, sounding all official and all. (Like he had a clue what was going to happen next)… I let him have it with my own version of stupidity. "Yes, I'm following this diagnostic tree and trying to come to the possible results, but I'm having some problems with it. Now, I'm not one to think there's a problem with the diagnostics but this one, well, I'm a little concerned… it said, very clearly "release ECM". "Hmm, so what did you do?" he asked. (He's not getting it.) Let's see if this guy can follow along with my idiotic logic, or see if I lose him in the translation. "I disconnected the ECM, set it outside the shop, gave it a little pat on its PROM and said to the little aluminum computer box… "YOU'RE FREE! GO-BUDDY-GO, LEAVE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, HIT THE ROAD! YOU'RE RELEASED!!" and you know what… it just sat there. It never moved… now I'm wondering, I followed the diagnostics correctly. The car is still in the shop and it still won't start. And this dang computer doesn't want to be released…. Ya got any suggestions? Because the test ended with "release ECM"… there were no more steps in the test so I did what it said… I released it -- what now?" I told him. There was a dead silence on the phone. I'm guessing, this guy doesn't get the joke, or he's really thinking that little ECM should have taken its chance and run for the hills before this wack-o mechanic comes up with something else. He cautiously answered, "Can I call you back on this? I'll have to consult with the engineering department on this one." Is this guy serious? Really, fella, can you not see this is just a joke? I would have thought most intelligent people would see right through my little story… not this guy, he was dead pan serious. He took down the page number and said he would get back to me later that day. Now I'm waiting for "Mr. Engineer" to get back to me. A few hours later he did call back and informed me that it was a misprint and it really should have said "replace". "I know," I said, "I just thought you guys would like a little joke. I thought you'd like to know that there was a mistake in the books, that's all." "Thanks for telling us, we all got a pretty good laugh over it," he answered, "We like to think we have the best books in the industry and we pride ourselves on giving you guys the most precise information possible." We ended the phone call with both of us laughing about the whole thing. Little did he know, he would get another phone call. A few days later I had another problem to deal with. It was a knock sensor code and the test procedure said; "Take a 4 oz. hammer and tap next to the sensor while observing the scope reading". You know, I couldn't leave this alone. After getting this uptight engineer to loosen up on that last phone call, I just had to call him again. "OK, what is it this time?" he asked. "I don't have a 4 oz. hammer to do this test. You know, you told me you have the most precise information… and I don't want to deviate from the book without knowing I'm on the right track." "Ah……., I'll have to get back to you," he told me. Seriously? I'll bet this guy never gets the punch line of a joke. Several hours later he called me back, and said that it wasn't a misprint this time, and that any small hammer would do. This might be one reason why I never became an engineer. These guys are way too serious for me. Lighten up dudes… geez. "If you find any other mistakes in our books, would you send what you find to us in writing for evaluation. We are working hard to keep these problems from arising… so it would be very helpful if you could do that for us. Thanks for your cooperation," he said. Do ya get the feeling this guy doesn't want me to call them anymore… hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe I've given them a little more incentive to recheck their work a little more. These days, I haven't seen as many mistakes. I suppose with spell check and a few careful proof reads it's less likely to have these kinds of mistakes again. I guess in some respects, it's a good way of avoiding phone calls from smart ass mechanics like myself. These stories are here for your enjoyment before sending to the editors for publication and editing. Some stories make it, some don't... but you guys/gals help decide which ones. Leave a comment, I'm listening. Visit my website for even more stories and info www.gonzostoolbox.com
  20. Totally agree with ya. As a matter of fact, I wrote an article about using the J2534 (crap)... not impressed... If I was in a push/shove delimea... I think I would try ... but honestly... I'd go with the OEM. The VCI modules is the latest greatest... But I'm sure that will all change in a bit too. My Tech 2 gets a work out around here. But so does the IDS... I hardly pull the NGS out these days, but it's nice to have. The DRB is really only there for reprogramming and or HVAC solutions. (very dated) Thanx for your insight... you're right on the money... Gonzo
  21. Dealer level scanners... without a doubt. Tech 2, NGS, IDS, DRB I use a MasterTech for most everything for quick code reads or mode 6 info. The MasterTech can do a lot, some programming and some air bag reset stuff. Nice scanner. GM - ya gotta have a Tech 2 easy to read, easy to understand... sometimes hard to navigate thru the maze of info... but very, very good NGS - a little dated, but easy to use. Good PID sections... wish it had a misfire graph like the Tech 2... I'll use the O2 PID along with the injector pulse readings to determine misfires. IDS - expensive... nice, takes a little practice to work it... nice though DRB - another dated machine... farely easy... Up to 05 it's effective... after that... sorry I've looked at the Snap-on machines... sorry guys, not impressed. To many cords, clips, and small parts. The info is somewhat sketchy... on all models. I guess the best way to put it is... The customer wants it fixed... they don't care how ya do it...as long as it's cheap. So if you have the wrong scanner or not enough info incorporated into that scanner... you're screwed... I think of scanners like this.... They give you a rope, a tree, and a three legged horse... "You've got almost all the info you need, but some scanners will leave just that last little bit out... and sure enough that horse is going to hang ya... " \
  22. Thanx Joe, I enjoy doing the stories... and some are better than others. As I've said before, it's not so much the story but the telling of them. We all have these experiences and in some small way I hope I bring some laughter to our otherwise hetic days. They'll be more laughs, and more stories... thanx again... Gonzo BTW... the reason their called Oysters.... is because they don't taste like Chicken... more like Oysters...
  23. My weekend story is up... it's a good one... even my wife got a laugh out of it after reading it. enjoy!

  24. Rocky Mountain Oysters Gonzo Jan 2010 At my shop I tend to do more electrical repairs than anything else. It's what I'm known for, and sometimes I get my share of odd ball electrical problems. Sometimes it's a factory defect where a harness has rubbed into a bracket behind the dash and shorted things out. But, a lot of the time it's some add-on that causes the problems. Usually some sort of flashy-testosterone filled bling that the owner is using to show off his macho self to all who pass by. Seldom do I see these "manly" things on a girl's car… it's mostly the guy's… sorry dudes… it's true. You guys can't leave them alone. Ya gotta show your manhood somewhere on that Detroit steel. I had this cowboy's truck in the shop; it's a late 80's Chevy pickup, jacked up to the sky and loud. His only problem for the day was that his parking lights would blow a fuse. My usual first question is, "When did ya put in the stereo?" Over the years I would say it's probably the no#1 problem I find in the park light systems on these GM cars and trucks of that era. It never fails; some goof ball is going to use the gray wire as the radio ground. I can usually tell these types of guys because they'll "always" tell me how they used an ohm meter to check the wiring. Ah, dude, it will show continuity to ground because the gray wire is the dash lights and you'll pick up a ground signal thru a bulb filament back to another dash bulb. However when you turn the park lights on (which they won't check till the next time they drive at night) the fuse to the park lights will blow. But in this case this hombre was safe… it wasn't the radio. Now I have to look elsewhere. One of my many "tricks" to test a short circuit on these older trucks is with 2 fuses. First stick one in the fuse box and turn on the park lights. (It came in blown, and I doubt you're going to make it any worse) … Keep your eye on the fuse, did it blow quickly? … Or did it take a bit? When I say a bit… I don't mean like… a second….I mean not immediately, let's just call it a quick blink. If the fuse takes a bit to blow that tells me the short is farther away from the fuse box than closer. (Learning the difference may take some practice.) In this case this saddle sore owner's problem was not immediate, but an ever slight delay. I'm going to look around the outside of the vehicle and see if it reveals any clues. It could be in the back or the front of this herd chasing cattleman's Cadillac. I climbed out of the cab and headed to the south end of this northbound rig to check for any trailer wiring. It's my 2nd usual place to look for faulty wiring on this type of truck. Any time you get the handy-dandy farmhand with his fence pliers working his magic on the horse trailer wiring, you're going to have problems. Well, how about that… it was professionally done… and in fact the wiring looked great! But there was this other foreign object dangling on the receiver hitch. Oh man … is this necessary? Bull testicles? There's a pair of fake plastic bovine manhood rocking back and forth with every sway of this pasture cavorting vehicle. Now, I don't know who this cowboy is trying to impress… 'cause if I was a cow… I'd think there something wrong with this bull. And, if I was some gal in a car behind this boot wearin', skoal chewin', cattle jockey… I don't think I'd be impressed… at all. But then something else caught my eye… and it wasn't the swinging genitals. There's a small wire connected to them, and the wire is connected to the brown wire of the trailer connector… which, is the park light wiring. OMG… no way…these rocky mountain oysters light up and glow with the evening sky. I don't remember animal husbandry being a part of my job requirements. And I don't think glow in the dark dangling beef ta-tas was covered in any of my training classes. You mean to tell me, if I disconnect the wire from this cowboy's dangling plastic bull parts the park lights might work? This is nuts! I can't believe this … … this is definitely not going well today. Well, I've gotta try, it could be the end of my search of why the park lights are blowing the fuse … here goes… … with one hand, I grabbed this pasture-prowlers-artificial-cattle-creators and held on with an almighty firm grip. With the other hand, I took steady aim with my trusty cutters--- "Snip" ---the deed is done. Back to the fuse box and change the fuse, and then flip on the park lights. Well what do ya know, we have lights! Tell all the Angus and Holsteins on the farm – the park lights are working perfectly! ! Whoo Hoo! I'll have to admit, it's the first time I have ever had to castrate a truck to get the park lights to work… Well, there's a first time for everything… might as well start up a new career… You'll find me on one of those late night infomercials and in the business yellow pages under;--- "Bull Castrator/Mechanic"--- . these stories are posted before publication and final editing. Comments make a difference in which will be published. Most of these stories will be in my next book and your comments help me decide which ones to use. Visit my website for more stories and car related info. www.gonzostoolbox.com
  25. Glad to have ya... you'll find a wealth of knowledge here. And a few older wrench benders such as myself posting stuff all the time. Running your own business is a challenge, I've been at it nearly 30 years. Has it been great, sure, has it been bad, sure... I still enjoy it, and I probably would do it all over again (I didn't just write that did I... OMG...I may regret that someday...) Hey, seriously though, if that's what ya want... GO FOR IT.


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