Gonzo

good one Ken

Yuk yuk yuk... too funny ken

Ode to Santa and the Economy There goes Santa, running for his sleigh; He’s got to run fast, to get away. You see, the economy has struck the North Pole as well; The elves are on strike, and his wife is givin' em' hell. These days when Santa appears at the local department store; It’s not just for fun or photos, but for gifts he needs to score. He'll check the store layout and make a quick dash; Why even Santa max'd out his credit card and is low on cash. So off he goes, into the night; To find those gifts, and get out of sight. Now, he’s not going to make a whole lot of stops; ‘Cause look out Santa… here comes the cops. Santa leaps to his sleigh and fly’s far into the night; Carrying all those gifts, on his yearly flight. Way into the morning, the police search high and low; Only to find a few tracks left in the snow. You'll hear all the alarms blaring, late into the night; But old Saint Nick will be long gone, and clean out of sight. Santa has to be quick, to have it done by Christmas Eve; So many gifts, and so many places to be… The presents will be wrapped, and the tags will be off; Cause old Santa is very careful, not to get caught. So check your presents, early on Christmas day; (Keep it hush-hush if they're from Santa, OK...?) Now, I don’t know if Old Saint Nick, stopped at your house or not; But I thought you should know … … … … … THOSE GIFTS ARE HOT! ! View full article

I can't carry a tune even if you strapped on my back. I'll leave the singing part to you guys. I have to turn the radio up really loud in the shower so I don't hear myself....always wondered what the wife thought though.... after all these years I'm sure she knows I'm not killing the cat or something in there, it's just me. Bad idea...Frank... You sing it! ! LOL

Don't know about brilliant... but at least it ain't dull. .

12 Days of Christmas at an Automotive Repair Shop You know the song, so just sing along with me in the holiday spirit. On the 1st day of Christmas my customers sent to me: A cartridge for my grease gun. On the 2nd day Christmas my customers sent to me: 2 Latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 3rd day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 3 Wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 4th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 4 Wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 5th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 5 Piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 6th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 6 Brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 7th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 7 Dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 8th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 8 Engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 9th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 9 Coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 10th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 10 Headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 11th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 11 Gears a-grinding, 10 headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 12th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 12 Trannys slipping, 11 gears a-grinding, 10 headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. Speaking on behalf of the entire automotive repair industry, Thank you to all our customers for their patronage. We appreciate it. Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. View full article

Working on it....

I think I'm going to do holiday related stories all this month. Something different.

The Magical Elf There’s a Christmas tradition in our family involving a little magical elf. This elf lives in a box all year until December 1st. Then he magically comes to life. At night he gets into all kinds of mischief, and just before the little ones get up in the morning, he freezes motionless, wherever or whatever he was doing at that very moment. He’s been known to spill flour on the kitchen counters and make snow angels, sometimes he can be found sitting on the toothpaste tube, one night he even wrapped the big screen TV like a huge present with a large bow on top! He could be anywhere; you just never know what he’ll be into next, and he seems to stay busy getting into things all night long. But, even when he is motionless he’s actually working… watching and listening to all the children in the house. His job is to report back to Santa at the north pole just before Christmas eve, so Santa can be sure each and every little boy and girl is on the right list. You know, the “Naughty or Nice list”? That’s how Santa knows so much … he has his own spies… and that little elf doesn’t miss a thing. My oldest daughter Katie wanted to start her own magical elf tradition at her house with her kids. Let me introduce you to my three adorable granddaughters; Kelsie is 12, she’s the nonbeliever. She doesn’t think Santa is real at all… that’s kid stuff… she’s all grown up, you know. Kaitlyn is 9, she’s the tattle-teller. Maybe more like the talker of the group… even if she’s a part of whatever trouble they’ve gotten into now, she’ll be the first to tell you all about it. And of course, she’s still a big fan of jolly old Saint Nick. Then there is Audrey, she’s 6. Now Audrey…well, she and Santa go way back. (Too cute for words the way she tells her stories about the guy with the white beard and the big red suit.) She’s all about decorating the tree, and making sure there are milk and cookies for Santa on his big day. With these little munchkins, you can count on one thing for sure, there’s always something about to unfold at their house, especially around the holidays. This year was special, as it was the first year for their magical elf. He came in his own little elf box, all decorated like a little house. There are even holes on the sides for him to breathe, cause ya know, ya gotta keep him comfortable and all. The house rules about the magic elf when he is in his box are simple. No one is allowed near the box, no touching, no looking, no nothing. He’ll come out when he’s good and ready. So on the shelf this little house sat… waiting for the right time to make his entrance. All the kids knew what was in the box, because they all knew the story of the magical elf, and they all knew he would be informing Santa, well… except of course for the nonbeliever, she’s too old for that sort of thing you know. It was December 1st, and Katie was so busy preoccupied with putting up decorations she had completely forgotten about the little elf. She had to get him out of the box and into his mischief as soon as possible, time for a plan, a plan that would distract them long enough for her to accomplish her mission. Katie had an idea that just might work. Get the younger two interested in decorating cookies while Kelsie was upstairs in her room. Then she could pop the little guy out of his box and put him somewhere for the girls to discover him later. The cookies were out of the oven, cooled off and the decorating began as planned. Katie made her way out to front room while the two were busy adding sprinkles to everything and anything that was on or near the cookies. She took a quick peak up the stairs to make sure there was no sign of Kelsie. So far so good, now to get the little elf out of his resting place. As she carefully opened the box she could hear tiny footsteps coming down the hallway. The rush was on, Mom can’t be caught with the box opened, no turning back now… what’s this???? The new little elf is wire tied into his little house!!! Quick, quick, untie him and get him out of there! The footsteps grew closer as the last wire tie came loose, then with a quick fling the elf went sailing through the air and landed in the branches of the Christmas tree. His head was buried amongst all the lights and ornaments with only his butt and legs exposed… undignified yes, but no harm, no foul… the game was on. Just as the tattle-teller rounded the corner Katie was standing there with that typical motherly look we all know from being on the other end of the situation, and using her best “mom” voice while showing her the empty box said, “Kaitlyn have you been in this box? Where is the elf?” Kaitlyn completely surprised and in utter shock says, “No Mommy, I know not to touch it. It wasn’t me… honest…ah, ah, I think it was… ah, Audrey.” Of course by now, that mom voice brought the youngest one running into the room carrying a half-eaten cookie and leaving a long trail of sprinkles behind her. “Where’s the elf mommy?” she asked. Katie with that stern look still on her face said to her, “Did you open the box?” Audrey, now almost in tears thinking the little elf must have ran away, “No Mommy, where did he go?” Katie wasn’t about to let up on the Mommy thing just yet, but decided to soften the blow of losing their new elf and assure them it was perfectly alright. She told the two girls, “Well, it is December 1st, and it is his day to magically come to life. I guess he got out, and is probably somewhere in the house.” About then the nonbeliever came down from her bedroom, “What’s going on?” Kaitlyn quickly told everything (as usual), “He got out, he’s in the house somewhere, and we’ve got to go find him! Come on, let’s go!” Now Kelsie, who didn’t seem so interested, is now very interested, because she knew something that they didn’t know. She was going to logically explain the whole thing… because she knew mom wouldn’t have known about it either. With a firm conviction Kelsie said to them, “There’s no way he could have gotten out. He was strapped in there!” (That little sneak peeker!!) Clearly she had more interest in that little elf than she let on. Kelsie, being the oldest, took charge of the situation and told the other two, “You look over there, you go over there, and I’ll look over here.” Off went the three of them, running through the house in search of one small magical elf, while mom stood by the tree still clutching the empty box. They eventually found him and screamed with joy like the little girls they are. And as for Kelsie, well… I think she already knows mom is really Santa, (the hand writing and the way the packages are wrapped are just like her birthday presents… sorry mom, she’s figured it out.), but that magic elf… oh he’s real… he’s very real. There’s no doubt in my mind that the magic of the season is for the kid in all of us, and sometimes all it takes is a little mischievous elf to bring out. Even Kelsie knows that now. Wishing you and your family (and your little magical elves) a Very Merry Christmas. View full article

I've been running on a shoe string budget for so long that I had to tie a knot at the end just so I have something to hang on to. I'm still here... still at it... Making today better than yesterday! !

I do. More than not, all these problems didn't start at the same time, they've let them build up over a number of months or more. Besides, what seems like a simple problem say like... "no park lights" and you find out they have put an oversize fuse in and melted the harness from the fuse box to the headlight switch what good is it going to do to diagnose why the blower quit or what ever their other complaint is. When that happens I get paid for the one diagnostics and the other diagnostics are forgotten about. Because, 9 chances out of 10 if it's "that" bad they ain't going to have any of it done anyway and all they were after is that "lucky" find and fix that you or I might run across while testing things.

Yesterday a caller told me that I should give her a free diagnostics because she was trying to make it on less money than she used to make...I told her no..... Because I was doing the same thing already.... She hung up. I don't believe you'd ask that at the checkout at Walmart....but I guess it's ok at the repair shop. Go figure......"".

A Day to Reflect Sometime ago I had my first book signing at a local book store. Steve’s Sundry – Books and Magazines. It’s a landmark bookstore in town, everyone knows Steve’s place. It’s been in town for more than 60 years. It’s a great place for a large malt at the soda fountain, or browse around the store to find a good book. I’m not a well-known author; I’m a mechanic/technician that wrote a book. I really didn’t think there would be a crowd of potential buyers and admirers at the book signing; I’m not that naive to think I would be bringing in a flood of new customers to the book store. So instead, I used the time to study the people that came in and out of the store. What a wonderful place, a book store. In the back of the store is an old counter with a bar and several bar stools. The counter, the soda fountains, and the bar stools are all original 50’s decor. With malt shakes and great sandwiches. You could take the whole day to browse for books while sipping on a shake or coffee. It’s a very pleasant place, nostalgic and modern at the same time. One regular customer sitting at the end of the bar was sipping away on his coffee while texting messages on his Blackberry. On the other end there was an old couple who appeared to be in their 70’s reading the paper and browsing a book or two. I could see this Norman Rockwell painting of them pictured there for probably the last 40 years doing the same thing. My place for the day was at a little table next to the register. A large stack of my books was neatly spread across the table. People would walk by .. glance… and smile. The owner of the store would make short little references to my book and try to get people interested in talking to this so called “author” sitting there all solemn and quiet. The register was busy with small book purchases and a few patrons from the bar. Very home spun and relaxing, a lot of hello’s and “how’s the weather” comments throughout the afternoon. Some people would ask about the football game coming up and others would want to know where a certain book was. All this was going on while I sat there patiently waiting for the clock to roll around to my designated leaving time. Not that I wanted to leave, oh no, I was enjoying the atmosphere and the quiet nature of the daily workings of the store. That brings up the thought that came across my mind. Are these the same people that come to my shop with an attitude and misconceptions of the auto industry…..probably so. I have often wondered for many years that it must be my attitude that brings out the worst in people, but, the whole time I was sitting there I was still the mechanic, I was still the guy they needed to fix their car….however…these people didn’t know me as such…. I was an unknown author signing books. When someone would ask about my book I would tell them that it was a book about people and the daily happenings at a repair shop. That it was funny, but informative…and you would definitely get something out of it. If you knew a person in the auto industry this would make a great gift and they would get a great kick out of reading it too. Well, something like that anyway. Most of the time I would get a disagreeable - hmm. Others had that pondering look as if they were going back into their memory trying to find what was so funny about getting the oil changed on their car. And then walk away shaking their head. I didn’t find that in anyway offensive, or disrespectful. I found it to be a logical, and a very intelligent way for a person to state their opinion without saying much at all. I admire folks like this, the ones that can speak their minds without uttering a word. As each and every one of these patrons would checkout at the register they gladly paid for their things and gave a big thank you to the person behind the counter. I never heard one person ever ask “why does this cost so much”, “I think you shouldn’t charge so much for this sandwich”, “I know a place down the street that can do the same thing for half of what you’re charging.” Now that’s funny, that’s pretty much what I hear every day. What gives….? Oh, now don’t get me wrong… it’s not every customer that complains about the prices. I have many, many customers that are eager to pay for my time and service…even a few that think I’m not charging enough for what I do. I even have some that feel the need to leave a tip. It’s those that want to complain and complain and complain that irks me. I have even had them tell me that I should give them the part for what I paid for it. Does the book store give you the book for what they paid for it? Come on people…. I wish I knew why it is the way it is, but for some reason perfectly sane people arrive at an auto repair shop and become tyrants of evil forces. Is it the smell of 90 weight oil in the air? Could it be the constant groan of pneumatic tools in the background? I wish I knew. Maybe after I retire I’ll take a job somewhere pleasant…. Quiet, reserved, and ever so nostalgic…. Yea…. Like a book store. View full article

The power of suggestion... Lol Joe.

Magical Elixirs Back before TV, radio, and the internet, it was the traveling salesman who would tell his tale about his wonderful elixirs he had for sale from the back of his wagon. The huckster would proclaim, “Gather one and all and let me tell you all about Dr. Murphy’s magical elixir! It will cure the common cold, stop a toothache, make your hair grow, restore your hearing, improve your eye sight, why you can work from sun up to sundown without getting fatigued after a mere sip of this tonic. It’s the miracle of the ages! Step right up folks for the worlds wonder of wonders, don’t push, don’t shove there’s plenty for everyone, just two bits will get you a bottle of Dr. Murphy’s elixir!” The sales would commence and the traveling salesman would grab all the loot he could. Hopefully, before somebody from the last town recognized him and let everyone know about his farfetched claims. These magical elixirs never amounted to much, most of them were just a bottle of strong alcohol and some other added ingredients but, I’ll bet if you drank enough of it you might just forget you had any problems. Well, at least long enough for the salesman to sneak out of town. These days we are bombarded by endless advertisements from every different direction and for some people distinguishing fact from fiction is a real challenge. You’re likely to find these hucksters and modern snake oil salesmen on late night infomercials, the internet, your cell phone, or spouting their claims with some gimmicky pitch on the radio. The old, “4 out of 5 doctors recommend” quotes you hear on these infomercials just proves to me that those snake oil salesmen are still alive and well. The point of all this mumbo-jumbo goes back to the old saying made famous by P.T. Barnum, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Some people will buying anything if the sales pitch sounds convincing enough. Even in these modern times the sales continue, and it’s not hard to find some of these pitch artists working their craft on unsuspecting automotive consumers. There’s always some gadget somebody is selling that claims to improve your gas mileage or make a huge scratch on the fender disappear. Now with electronics so involved into the family car there’s even “widgets” to tackle those problems. Whether it’s by internet, smart phone, TV, radio, or the occasional door to door sales… there’s always a pitch, there’s always somebody going to buy some magic elixir. I’m really not surprised when a customer brings me the latest-greatest gadget that’s going to revolutionize the auto industry they just purchased after staying up way too late watching TV. It could be nothing more than a diagram with instructions on how to turn plain water into Hydrogen with a few parts from the hardware store. (Still holding out on for that one… it can be done…sort of.), or some sort of whirly-gig thingy that is supposed to increase gas mileage by turning the intake air into a vortex of high velocity wind. Somehow, someway they’ll do their best to convince me this is going to work. Well, maybe I’m just the ultimate skeptic or the doubter of all doubters, but I just don’t see these things ever working any better than the elixirs from generations ago. It’s a mind numbing, never ending, sales pitch that some people can’t get past before buying this stuff, and I don’t want to leave out those annoying salesmen that come to the shop showing off some sort super-duper cleaner that is better than anything I’ve ever seen before, or the guy selling tools and equipment out of his trunk. Seriously, I’ve seen it before… there’s a “No Soliciting” sign posted… but do ya think that stops them… nope … tomorrow they’ll be another one at the front counter and I’ll have to listen to them while they’re standing on the back of “their” wagon telling me all about the great benefits of their magical cure-all. I do have one particular customer that has probably bought every single one of those gadgets and tries to get me to install them. Even after explaining my theory on some of these goofy gadgets (He doesn’t care what I think.) He’ll insist that I install them. Usually shaking my head in disbelief the whole time I’m doing it, but…hey, he’s paying me, besides it makes him happy when he believes he’s gotten over on the energy crisis. One time he brought in some sort of navigation systems (this was probably 20 years ago) for me to install. It looked like a botched homemade project some guy fabricated on his kitchen table. Globs of solder were squishing out between the halves of the little plastic case and the leads were all different sizes. It looked like he used whatever he had on hand to build it. I read the directions provided and installed it. The next thing to do was to “navigate” it. You had to go outside and point the car north, then south, then east, and finally west. This was supposed to align the internal compass (whatever…), it never worked. I told him about it and he promptly called the guy who made it. Needless to say, no one answered the phone. Go figure. His next big idea was some sort of fuel saving device. It was supposed to be installed in the fuel line and it was supposed to align the molecules of the fuel so that it would burn better. (Seriously unbelievable.) I installed it, and within a month his car was on a tow truck. Seems the restriction this thing was putting on the fuel line was too much for the fuel pump to handle. It came off when I changed the pump. It was his idea (with encouragement from me), besides, he didn’t see any change in his mileage so he had to agree I was right this time. (That didn’t happen very often.) He wasn’t done yet. Then it was some magic pill that you put in the fuel tank. At least I didn’t have to install that, but he did try to entice me into selling those little pills at the counter for other people to use. I said no. Yep, some people… they’ll buy anything if the sales pitch sounds convincing enough. No doubt, these snake oil salesmen still have the knack of selling today’s version of Dr. Murphy’s elixir. I know I’m not buying their story, and I sure ain’t buying their fix-all-does-all products. But, I do have that one old customer that will. He’s getting pretty old these days and he doesn’t get out as much, but when he does he’ll head straight to the shop with his latest purchase. Even if these magic elixirs don’t do what they claim, at least it makes him happy. I guess, in some ways that elixir does have some benefits after all… even though not in the way they were intended. View full article

Welcome Leonard, A lot of great stuff here at this website. A lot of great people too. And... a lot of great information too.

Great points HK and Geez. now if somebody would tell the TV land people what a good automotive repair program actually would be for the untold number of mechanics in this country to watch... I'd be recording that and maybe learning a few new tips or tricks that I don't know already.