Gonzo

The ATM A bunch of the higher ups at a corporate owned big city dealership were looking at their end of the year numbers and were trying to figure out where they could save a few bucks. It wasn’t hard to find the largest expense in their operation. It was the mechanics salary. Now all they had to do was figure out a way to keep more of the gross profits in their pockets instead of spending it on those grease covered employees down in the service bays. It was up to the R&D department to come up with a concept and get back to the higher ups. They talked to a guy fixing his own car out in the parking lot. They asked around at the nearby discount auto parts center. They even discussed how they could provide repair services at all hours of the day and night without having to hire a single mechanic. As for the diagnostic side of things, the general consensus from the DIY’rs they talked to was that if they knew what was wrong, they could fix it themselves. Their plan was sounding pretty good on paper. Funny thing though, the only people they didn’t talk to was… the actual customers and the mechanics. They compiled their analysis, ran it through a computer simulation and came up with this conclusion. The mechanic/technician field is a highly skilled trade that requires a great deal of mechanical aptitude as well as advanced knowledge in electronics and hydraulics. As well as knowing how to use sophisticated tools and computer systems. It also requires continual training in new equipment, procedures, and even newer systems. The investment into maintaining a top notch technician is quite expensive. (All of which the higher ups wanted to avoid.) The R&D report was sent to the higher ups. The higher ups came to the conclusion that as long as you could diagnose a problem the rest of it is just changing a part. “This car repair stuff is easy to do. Why don’t we get a computer to do all of this? It could work 24-7, what a concept!” So the plan came down to this. Devise a way to not only diagnose a car, but be able to repair it at any time of the day or night without having to pay for any high priced mechanics. How? Simple, they invented the ATM. The “Automated Technician Machine”. A 24 hour, credit card operated, self-serve, automotive diagnostic and repair center for the DIY’r. This machine had a diagnostic hook up for the car, with complete diagrams and all the needed tools at their disposal. These service bays would be capable of dispensing the needed fluids, parts, and the tools too. It didn’t take long before the higher ups threw even more money at this project and converted all the service bays into these ‘coin-operated’ contraptions and all the ‘human’ mechanics were given ‘the’ pink slip. For the first month or so, the higher ups were smiling from ear to ear with their pet project. Gone were all those high paid technicians in the service bays. The DIY repair mode was in full swing. But, it wasn’t long before problems started coming up. First it was a stuck ball joint that the computer couldn’t help with. Next it was an electrical problem where it advised replacing everything even though it was just a broken wire in clear view. Then, it was a broken stud that the computer couldn’t figure out, and more than once, some character got upset and didn’t understand the information provided, and took their frustration out by damaging the machine. Even though the info was as accurate as possible, there was still something missing. The answers were the ‘by the book’ type answers and it would only work properly if the car was as it was from the factory. Any deviation from the original … any at all… and the ATM would go berserk, causing even more chaos. The problems just kept adding up. Soon, it wasn’t only their customers that were having issues with these ATM’s, it was the city who was on their backs now. Seems, they didn’t consider the fact that they needed a license to operate vending machines in the city limits, and there were additional taxes owed to the city too. The cost of operating these ATM’s kept climbing. The higher ups started to think this wasn’t such a good idea. “We didn’t have these kinds of problems when we had mechanics!” they told each other. So, what do you think these white shirts did now? Well, they spent even more money. They hired in a bunch of other white shirts to examine the problem. Soon, there was more money going out the door than there was coming in. After several months of research, more broken machines, more upset customers, and tons of none returned tools that had to be replaced, and cars abandoned in service bays after the owners had given up on the repairs, the evaluation team had their answers. A meeting was set up for the next afternoon in a large suite on the top floor of a huge skyscraper, miles from the chaotic scene at the dealership. The number crunchers were there, as well as the vice-presidents, the vice-vice presidents, and the executives to the vice presidents. All the white shirts were leaning back in their overstuffed office chairs waiting for the answer that would lead them to an even higher skyscraper and more dividends. The higher ups asked the team of evaluators, “We expect something worthy of your six figure fee for evaluating all of this. So, what’s your grand solution to this mess?” They answered, “Hire the mechanics back!” The moral of this story; When it comes to repairing your car, it still takes the human touch. The kind you’ll find with an experienced mechanic. Things like a stuck ball joint, a broken bolt and other problems that are associated with automotive repair are all part of the daily routine. With practice and a bit of mechanical know how, mechanics find ways of getting around the so called ‘by the book’ repairs and solve a lot of issues that can’t be solved any other way. Those higher ups are smart guys and gals, but their training in what they know isn’t acquired in the same manner as the way a mechanic’s skills are. There’s a lot more to repairing something than reading a book or hooking a computer up to it. Seriously, if it was easy… anybody could do it…but it’s not as easy as it looks. Consider this; it takes a lot of OJT to be an ATM. Oh, and I don’t mean one of those ‘Automated Technician Machines’, that acronym has a completely different meaning down here in the service bay. There are a lot of people out there who admire the skills of a good technician, who understand the complexities of this job, and are more than thankful such guys and gals are out there. As a customer or a fellow technician, you may know of one of them… one of those ATM’s that is, an “Appreciated Technician-Mechanic”. View full article

awe shucks... ain't much...just glad to be a part of the big picture.

I'm going to spend the long weekend with family and friends... no cars, no mention of cars, no nothing about cars. I promised my wife a new custom sewing table for her quilt studio. So, I'll be making mortise and tenon joints, cutting, sanding, and playing in my wood work shop. I've got to build drawers too (blind dovetails) and all the hardware. I think I've got plenty to do. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Frohe Weihnacten ! ! ! !

Happy holidays to all. Have a very Merry Christmas!

I guess the economy hasn't really done much for old Santa since I wrote this so long ago. LOL

Been doing this poem for years... something like 28 or more... lost count now.

Ode to Santa and the Economy There goes Santa, running for his sleigh; Hes gotta run fast, to get away. You see, the economy has struck the North Pole as well; The elves are on strike, and his wife is givin' em' hell. These days when Santa appears at the local department store; Its not just for fun or photos, but for gifts he needs to score. He'll check the store layout and make a quick dash; Why even Santa max'd out his credit card and is low on cash. So off he goes, into the night; To find those gifts, and get out of sight. Now, hes not going to make a whole lot of stops; Cause look out Santa here comes the cops. Santa leaps to his sleigh and flys far into the night; Carrying all those gifts, on his yearly flight. Way into the morning, the police search high and low; Only to find a few tracks left in the snow. You'll hear all the alarms blaring, late into the night; But old Saint Nick will be long gone, and clean out of sight. Santa has to be quick, to have it done by Christmas Eve; So many gifts, and so many places to be The presents will be wrapped, and the tags will be off; Cause old Santa is very careful, not to get caught. So check your presents, early on Christmas day; (Keep it hush-hush if they're from Santa, OK...?) Now, I dont know if Old Saint Nick, stopped at your house or not; But If he did .....THOSE GIFTS ARE . . . HOT ! ! View full article

Here's a funny article I wrote on this very subject. http://www.gonzostoolbox.com/StoriesFolder/whatsonsecond.html

Your welcome shopcat! Glad ya enjoyed it! As far as the singing part.... blech....! I can't carry a tune unless I had my phone in my pocket! ROFL

it only comes once a year...might as well enjoy the season stories and songs. Trying trying to get my editors to print one of them for the Christmas issue I doubt they will but it would be cool

12 Days of Christmas at an Automotive Repair Shop You know the song, so just sing along with me in the holiday spirit. On the 1st day of Christmas my customers sent to me: A cartridge for my grease gun. On the 2nd day Christmas my customers sent to me: 2 Latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 3rd day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 3 Wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 4th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 4 Wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 5th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 5 Piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 6th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 6 Brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 7th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 7 Dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 8th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 8 Engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 9th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 9 Coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 10th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 10 Headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 11th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 11 Gears a-grinding, 10 headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. On the 12th day of Christmas my customers sent to me: 12 Trannys slipping, 11 gears a-grinding, 10 headlights blinking, 9 coils a-sparking, 8 engines leaking, 7 dash lights flashing, 6 brand new sockets, 5 piston rings, 4 wire straps, 3 wrench ends, 2 latex gloves, and a cartridge for my grease gun. Speaking on behalf of the entire automotive repair industry, Thank you to all our customers for their patronage. We appreciate it. Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. View full article

Thanks Frank, I really appreciate it. I know Joe feels the same way. Working on cars is hard enough, working with people who don't understand the complexities of their car is another. If money was no option I'd probably still be fixing cars, because... it's what I like to do. Telling stories is a pass time for me, one that I truly enjoy. Thanks again, and I'm sure I'll come up with a few more good ones along the way. Gonzo

May we never forget.

I enjoy telling these stories, and I'm glad to see so many people enjoy them I'll keep writing... and maybe an occasional poem. LOL thanks for the comments.

I found all kinds of versions of "Twas the night before Christmas" but not one for "mechanics" So, I made this one up on the spot. Thought it came out pretty good. I think I'll add this to my Christmas rotation of stories. This one ... I think ... will be my favorite of them all. Thanks for the comments,

Twas the Night before Christmas (Mechanic style) Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the service bay Not an engine was stirring, just old Santa’s sleigh. All the air hoses were hung, by the compressor with care, The mechanics had the day off, I’m the only one there. I was just an apprentice, but wanted to show St. Nick just what I knew. My boss was all for it, said it was OK if I turned a few screws. With visions of being a full time mechanic, dancing in my head I was going to give it my best shot; I’ll fix this old sled. I gave the key a twist, and listened in dismay, That little red hot rod needed service, in such a bad way Then from under the hood there arose such a clatter, That even St. Nick had to ask, “So, what’s the matter?” I flew from the driver’s seat and raised the hood in a flash, Nearly stumbling off my feet, from my quick little dash. The under hood light, glimmered onto the engine below, The fan belt had broken, and a spark plug blew out a hole. It’s something I can handle; I learned this stuff in school, I’ll have this fixed up in no time; it only takes a few tools, I started it up and all eight cylinders were firing away Just a few minor adjustments and he could be on his way That’s when I noticed, his sled was packed full of all sorts of toys… He hadn’t finished his deliveries, to all the girls… and boys. He was dressed all in red, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot Anxious he was, to finish his trip as soon as he could, With my wrenches a flyin’, he knew that he would. It was up to me, to get it fixed this very night, He still had a long way to go, before it was daylight. His eyes, how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I knew it was Christmas Eve, so I couldn’t say no, He had a broad face and a round little belly That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself. His sled was like new, after the job was all done, Now that it’s fixed, he could get back to his run. He reached into his huge bag, and pulled a box out with a jerk, Said he knew just how to thank me, for all of my hard work, I ripped open the present, and Oh, what a sight! Snap On wrenches and sockets! Boy was he right! As he pulled from the parking lot, he held the throttle to the floor, Just to show off, he passed by the shop, once more, This guy Santa, he’s a little strange, at any rate, He had a name for every cylinder, in his little V8. I could hear him shout, so loud and clear, Naming off each cylinder, as if they could hear. "Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! I heard the tires screech, as he caught second gear, Off to deliver those presents, some far, some near Then, I heard him exclaim, just before he drove out of sight “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” View full article

Over the weekend I cleaned up my wood workshop for the first time... in a long time. I found a bunch of pencils.... go figure.

I find that the J2534 setups have several "holes" in their programming. My first attempt at setting up a Ford with a Mongoose cable was a disaster. I had to contact the manufacturer of the J2534 tool and an engineer at Ford who helped me walk through the process. It took all day to get it done between phone calls. The car did start, did accept the theft initialization, and the initial programming per the download from Ford. However, this car was a 4WD vehicle. Unknown to me, and the Ford engineer, the download only covered the needed info for getting the vehicle started. (As the engineer found out later, based on the idea that the info needed and the purpose of the tool was allow the car to start and be driven to the nearest repair facility - NOT everything. (This was about 10ish years ago BTW) The eventual outcome was to send it to the dealer and have another PCM installed. The guy at the dealership tried several times to override the download I put it, but it wouldn't allow it. A blank - unprogrammed PCM was the answer. Never found out if there was a problem with the PCM or if it was the download. Once it was changed out all the issues were taken care of. I'm sure, by now, the J2534 setups are much better. After that debacle I bought an IDS.... end of the problems. Just sayin'.

Yep, I was thinking the same thing when I wrote this one Ken. Been there, done that.

Sometimes I come up with the craziest ideas for a story....

Dude, where’s my tools? It’s another busy day out in the shop. You’re concentrating on getting this job done, when all of a sudden the phone rings. You dash off to the nearest phone with the wrench still in your hand. The phone call wasn’t all that important, but you spent enough time on the phone that you’re not quite sure where you left off. So, you head back to your work area to re-acquaint yourself with what you were doing. Let’s see, I was turning that bolt with the wrench…the wrench, “Dude, where’s my tools?” With the flair of a police pat down you do a quick pocket search, but it doesn’t yield the missing tool. Then you try looking in places you know you’ve left it before. Next, you try bobbing up and down, over and under the car. By now, you’ve broken out the flashlight to follow the beam of light as you peer into places you haven’t even been near. Finally, you walk back to the phone to see if you mistakenly carried it over there. Still nothing. You’re talking to yourself right about now asking, “Dude, where’s my tools?” In a daze you start walking around the shop, snooping into every crevice you can think of in search of this elusive tool that has somehow grown legs and walked off. Oh, don’t worry, it will show up, just keep looking. It’s here somewhere. Admit it, we’ve all done it. What’s worse is when ya can’t find it even though you haven’t moved an inch. You know you’re looking right at it, but it has somehow camouflaged itself. Time to walk away, come back, and what do ya know… there it is. It happens to the best of us. At least I know I’m not the only one muttering, “Dude, where’s my tools?” A few weeks ago my son and I were working on a project at home. He wanted to build a trebuchet; to be exact, not your basic trebuchet mind you. Oh no, not my boy, it had to be some fancy, smanshy one. Sure, why not, I’m up for the challenge. We had no plans, no diagrams, just a photo. It’s amazing how much stuff you have to figure out to make each and every different piece fit together, especially without much more than a photo to go by. Quite a challenge, to say the least. But, just like at the repair shop, tools disappear just as easily, and it’s not long before I’m back to my old chant again, “Dude, where’s my tools?” The pencil was the biggie this time around. Every time we needed to mark something we both would have to go on a pencil safari searching for it. From one work bench to another, and it didn’t matter how many extra pencils we got out, they all seemed to disappear just as easily as the first one did. By now, it wasn’t only me saying it, but my son as well, “Dude, where’s my tools?” At the shop, when I’m working on a big project, such as an engine repair or a major wiring repair I try to have a cart close by with all the tools strategically placed on it. It works…well, most of the time anyway, but there’s always that exception when you have two or three sockets or a test light in use, and you put it down somewhere and somehow you can’t find them anymore. 99 % of the time you’ll recover your tools with no problem, but there’s always one that gets away. I guess that’s why the tool truck stops by once a week, you know, just to see what ya lost this time. Lose a tool, and it’s another trip to the truck to restock and hopefully avoid, “Dude, where’s my tools?” When I finish a project I take inventory of my hand tools as I wipe them down and put them away. If something comes up missing I don’t waste any time before I go on a mission to find out what happened to it. Even if that means going out to the parking lot and checking the car I just finished. (Yea, tell me ya never done that before.) Tools are expensive, and some are irreplaceable. So, don’t be alarmed if you see me snooping around under work benches or behind the brake lathe. Ask me what I’m doing and I’ll bet you’re going to hear me say, “Dude, where’s my tools?” Whether it’s your pocket screwdriver that just doesn’t seem to stay put, especially when you need it in a tight spot and you can’t move. You start doing the phantom pocket search several times while trying to concentrate on what you’re doing, only to give up and go find the blasted thing. Or, when you’re walking back through the office trying to find the missing pocket screwdriver and find that wrench you were using just before the phone rang, lying right there on the counter, next to the customer’s invoice. They all show up sooner or later, usually after you’ve caught yourself mumbling to yourself, “Dude, where’s my tools?” Now, I haven’t quite got to the point that I act like my grandfather. He would roam around the house ranting and raving about not being able to find his glasses when the entire time they are stuck on top of his head. I’ve got a few more years to go before that happens… hopefully. In the meantime it will be just another day, like any other day, and yes I’ll misplace a few things now and then, and you’ll hear me say the same old thing, over and over again, “Dude, where’s my tools!” View full article