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xrac

By xrac
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HarrytheCarGeek Experienced

HarrytheCarGeek

Posted
Posted

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to haul his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a bunch of hog wash that is .... you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do we?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

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HarrytheCarGeek Experienced

HarrytheCarGeek

Posted
Posted

As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

 

 

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-705-3787

 

 

 

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

 

It was a Latino with a lawnmower. blink.gif

 

My wife thought I lost it when I could not stop laughing!

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weighit Enthusiast

weighit

Posted
Posted

The Irish Bic Lighter
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

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Gonzo Grand Master

Gonzo

Posted
Posted

A young city slicker decided to move out to the country and raise chickens.

 

He went to a nearby farmer and said, "I'd like 100 eggs. I'm going to raise my own flock."

A few weeks later he came back and said, "I'd like 100 eggs."

A few more weeks he's back, "I'd like another 100 eggs."

 

The farmer was so impressed with the young mans ambitions he said, "Wow, you're really going at this. How's many ya got so far?"

 

The young city slicker said, "I don't know... I think I'm planting them to close together."

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ncautoshop Proficient

ncautoshop

Posted
Posted

Getting Married in Heaven

 

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

 

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

 

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

 

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

 

 

 

Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk

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HarrytheCarGeek Experienced

HarrytheCarGeek

Posted
Posted

There's this 80 year old guy, driving down the main drag of Las Vegas at 3 AM. He gets pulled over by the cops. Cop asks, "where you goin?" Man answers "I'm going to a lecture on alcoholism and how it ruins your life and health and relationships". Cop asks "Who's giving this lecture at 3 AM?" Guy answers. "My wife".

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Gonzo Grand Master

Gonzo

Posted
Posted

This guys wife is having an affair when her young son comes home early.

The boy hides out in the closet to catch what was going on, when the husband arrives home early too.

The would be affair is halted and the lover hides out in the same closet as the boy.

The boy says, "Hey, it's dark in here."  The lover answers, "Yep"

The boy replies, "I got a baseball, I'll sell to you.  That way I won't say a thing to my daddy."

The lover says, "How much?"  The young lad says to the lover, "250 bucks"

The lover pays the kid and when the coast is clear he sneaks out of the house.

A week later the same thing happens.  The boy says, "Hey, it's dark in here. I've got a baseball mitt for sale now."

The lover reluctantly asks, "How much this time?"  The boy says, "750 bucks."

Again the lover waits for the coast to clear and makes his escape.

Another week goes by and good old dad asks the son if he'd like to go play catch.  The son tells him he sold his ball and glove for a 1000 bucks.  Dad, being a bit of a prude, tells the boy that he needs to go straight to confession because that was way to much to sell his old ball and mitt for.

The boy heads to the confessional, he steps inside and says, "Hey, it's dark in here."  the voice from the other side says,

"NOW Don't start that crap AGAIN!" 

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